Not a happy time

I normally am involved in the holiday season getting a tree, shopping for gifts and helping Janet decorate.  This year, I just can't get into the spirit.  Too many things have happened in my life and all around me: the death of Janet’s dad, her mom's illness, the elementary school shooting, Hurricane Sandy and the Fiscal Cliff.  I'm not only not festive, I'm depressed.

 The passing of Janet's dad certainly puts a damper on the holiday spirit.  In addition, Janet's mom has bone cancer which is contained for now but won't be cured.  She's putting on a positive face for her youngest grandchild, but I feel the pain in her heart and body.

The elementary school shooting in Connecticut is horrific…The loss of 20 young lives and their generations' loss of innocence. When I was growing up, I felt safe in my elementary school even when I thought the outside world was going crazy.  It was stable and secure inside James H. Johnson Elementary School -- who could imagine a crazed person killing my classmates?

 Hurricane Sandy devastated the Jersey Shore where I spent my summers from a very young age.  We had a house at Ocean City, I worked in Stone Harbor, and hung out with long ago friends in these and other Jersey border islands.

 I'm distressed about the Fiscal Cliff which is looming over everything.  The rich Republican white men want to protect their lower tax rates and the country be damned!  

 So in a nutshell, why should I be depressed? In the past month I've been surrounded by grave illness, death, loss of innocence and looming financial disaster. It's going to take me a long time to put a positive spin to this but I’m trying…

 

Memories of Josh

Janet's father, Josh Tye Williams Jr., passed over a little after midnight on December 1, 2012. Before he passed, his family had a wonderful opportunity to spend time with him when he was mentally with it. They were able to have some positive interaction with him. The memorial gathering and the military funeral were very low-key and simple and would've been to his liking. After all the events of the day, some of us went out to lunch and spent more time remembering him.

 

Unfortunately, I did not get to see Josh during his better moments. The last time I saw him was Thanksgiving, when I made him angry at me by trying to reason with him about staying in the nursing home until arrangements were made for him to come home. Let's just say our last moments together were not positive or endearing. It's not enough for me right now to know that the reason he was acting that way was because he wanted to die at home with his wife.

 

I feel a need to share some special memories of Josh, perhaps selfishly, so that I can change the picture of him that is stuck in my head… Of him snapping at me, although I have so many more positive thoughts about him.

 

I have many memories of Josh; Of him being annoyed with his computer and trying to help him with it, of him sitting in his big black recliner watching TV really loud, of him cooking, of him sneaking me little pieces of country ham before it was served and of having casual conversation with him and his dry, occasionally biting sense of humor. The most important ones to me though were of him at our handfasting. He was one of three males in attendance and the other two were under the age of seven. My father was not feeling very positive about my life choices at the time so none of my family was in attendance. I started to explain this to the gathering when Josh loudly announced that this was not a problem because I was now a member of the Williams family. I immediately went over and kissed him right on top of the head! I think I knocked off his hat. During the party afterwards, I remember Josh dancing from one group of women to the next. I can see him now, a straw wide brimmed hat on, moving from group to group, not really dancing with anyone, just having a good time.

 

I think we have a picture of him dancing in our handfasting photo album and I wanted to add it to the photo boards that Janet and Terry, her mom, were making for the memorial but I didn't think of it until after they were done. But I think I achieved my goal, I now have a snapshot in my head of him dancing with his hat on amongst the lesbians…